So no more mystery! Here it goes. I have depression. I've had it for a long time, and I am under the care of medical professionals and I am on medication. Most people with depression are ashamed to say it because it's embarrassing. We're broken. We're over emotional. There is something mentally wrong with us. News flash - there is something mentally wrong with EVERYONE! I realized years ago that everyone has something - a bad habit, a personal struggle, a skeleton in the closet, etc. Some people (like me) have more than one something - and it is OK. We all struggle with our own personal challenges. Some are evident on the outside like a scar or being in a wheel chair. Some are unknown and kept hidden on the inside. This describes me. Between my illness and my depression - everything is on the inside. You can't tell unless I tell you or you happen to be lucky enough to be around while I'm having an anxiety attack or a break down.
Thankfully, I was raised with brothers who teased me when I did "girl things" like cry at a movie or when I got hurt. I learned to suck it up and keep it in. Well, there's only so much sucking it up anyone can do before it starts to manifest in physical ways, or just starts leaking out the eye balls and brings a body to the fetal position for an undetermined period of time. Most of the time I can suck it up and not break down or freak out. Many thanks to my doctor for the Xanax! And many thanks to my brothers for the suck it up and stop crying training. :)
Why am I writing about this now??? Just before Christmas??? When everyone is merry, excited and just full of holiday cheer??? I mean, this should be the one time of year when I am super happy go lucky, right??? Yes. Yes, I should be feeling cheery, excited and full of everything whimsical and exciting about Christmas...
|Really- I LOVE Christmas! This is the fun stuff I used to do!!|
Do you know what??? All of this is ok! Messy is the sign of a good day, right? Though I love a good day - I HATE mess. It drives me nutty.
But because I'm having so much trouble keeping up with the regular stuff, plus the reno stuff, plus trying to pull off Christmas I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and unmotivated. Everyone needs a gift exchange gift of $5 or less for this or that. Wrap the gifts. Wrap the teacher gifts. Bake the goodies. Get the family gifts in the mail so they can open them on Christmas. Feel sad because 3 of the 9 kids won't be with us for Christmas. Hear the littles ask a zillion times a day, "when are we going to put the Christmas tree up?" Pressure, little people, pressure!!! But last year I didn't have the renovations going on, and I was able to get more Christmasy things going on and I still felt like this.
My conclusion is it is the depression. It's blocking my heart from the joy of Christmas. Instead of the fun Christmas songs I have this verse going through my head most of the time:
|I used to make us all matching Christmas jammies every single year.|
|At least we're doing the Elf on the Shelf...|