Holy Smokes! It's been a long time since I've blogged. One of the things on my "to do" list is to start blogging again. This time, however my blog will have a different twist. There are so many things that have happened since last October/November that I will need to give a brief update on what's been going on...
Working, working, working - show after show after show. And, in the midst of finishing up my show season I noticed I was slowing down. Not that I was meaning to, it was just taking me longer to accomplish things. (actually, I noticed it last summer - with Hairspray). My back hurt a ton, all the time. I just chalked these things up to getting older, and needing to see a chiropractor. One day, when I was driving up to DFT, my left arm clenched up and my pinkie and ring fingers were curled up tight against my palm. They stayed that way for a few hours, and the next day I could move them, but it hurt. Again, I thought I needed to see a chiropractor. Then, I noticed a couple numb spots on my arms and legs - mostly on the left side. Weird, I thought - I must have done a doosey on my back! Again, just thinking I needed an adjustment. I found it humorous when my left leg went numb, and then my left arm, and then the traveling numbness took over the left side of my face - and then my head. And I had pain (numb and in pain are such odd things to say but that's what it is). At that point I thought it prudent to see my doctor. He sent me in for blood work, an MRI and to a neurologist. He told me he thinks I have MS. Meanwhile, I was becoming slower and slower and more and more forgetful. There were days I couldn't walk, and days where I walked like a T-rex. I could never stand for long periods of time (still can't). By the end of January I knew I had to sell my business. I had only one theater I was contracted with for the rest of their season, so I let them know what was going on and finished out the season with them. Barely. I am so thankful for Crysstil and Kiko because if they weren't able to help me through it I would have never gotten it all done. I am also so very grateful for the kindness and support shown from DFT when I just couldn't be there. I finished off the season and sold everything in my shop. Racks and all. I spent the summer home with the kids - which has been amazingly awesome! I am still seeing specialist after specialist and going in for this test and that. I still have days where I am just in too much pain to do anything, and days where I get a long a little better.
That brings us to today - August 5, 2013. Here are the answers to some of the more commonly asked questions (and questions I know you want to ask!) Oh, and also what I think about some things...
Yes, it is so sad blah blah blah that I had to sell my shop. It is sad indeed. But know what?!?!? I was talented when I made the costumes, and I can make any of them I want again, whenever I want - but without a deadline.
Yes, I have pain every day and every day it is difficult to walk in varying degrees.
Yes, it is frustrating that there still isn't a diagnosis. However, there is nothing I can do to change that so why dwell on it? Really, all that matters is learning to live a new way.
Yes, I am too tired to do most anything for any length of time. This gives me lots of time to hang out with the littles playing games or watching tv.
No, I will never get better or recover. Therefore let's get over it and just keep pushing forward.
Yes, I'm sure you all have someone you know or someone you've heard of who has MS or has my symptoms. I'm sure your neighbors cousins step child's best friend in school has it, too. That, however does not make you know what I'm going through or how I feel. And, though this sounds more harsh than I intend, it is the truth. If it is MS, everyone has similar and yet very different things they cope with. We are all unique in that respect. And while I'm on the topic, I do appreciate your offers to put me in touch with these people you know who have MS so I can learn more about it, well - no thanks. I know people with MS as well! Shocker, I know - and I won't even discuss these things with them.
Along with the above topic... I do appreciate the love shown and the well meaning behind it all BUT.... Do you seriously think that you know all of my symptoms and therefore can diagnose my health problems better than the specialists? Well maybe you think you can. Either way kindly keep it to yourself. I really don't need you to spend your time researching how to fix me on the web, or to let me know your opinions on what I should or should not be eating/doing/etc. I will only listen to my doctors and my family. I thank you, I love you, but really this is so consuming I need to be able to live without dwelling on this every second of the day. And definitely not if we're at a social activity (because I didn't go to talk about my struggles - I went to have a good time)
No, I cannot be outside in the heat for very long. Yes, that sucks. Again - lets move on and either go inside where the A/C runs cold or jump in the swimming pool.
Yes, I spend most of my time at home. Yes, I like it. Yes, I'm keeping busy with the house and the kids and just learning to live like this.
Yes, I miss my theater friends. Yes, I miss my theater life. That is, however, a part of my life that has passed. No more smelly show laundry! Woot! (and to my theater friends, I do miss you all so much!)
Yes, there are physical aspects of my life that really suck. They are frustrating and hard and I often feel worthless. And then I get a hug from my kids, or a smile from my husband. A txt from a friend or just knowing that I can lay around all day and be waited on like a princess.
With all of that, I welcome you to the next phase of my blog. You may think it will be boring compared to the show blogs... and you may be correct - but I think not. You see, I still sew, I still craft, and I still quilt. I also cook, bake, clean and am a bit nutty in the head. I also raise wonderfully good looking children. AND I have time to watch those youtube how-to's on this craft or that and I have some CRAZY ideas on stuff to make! So buckle up because you are now on the crazy train of my life!
See you next time~
I'm going to enjoy this journey with you! Keep on keeping on!!!!!
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