Today I Cried...

12-23-2013......

Today started early, heading out to pick up my second CD of MRI films from the MRI office, and then off to my first visit with the Spine Specialist.  This new adventure of specialist visits started last week when I met with my Neurologist here:

As you can see, I was happy to go and have a sit down visit to go over the results of my tests.  We talked, I had questions, she had some answers - but not many.... The short story is: I needed to visit a spine specialist as I have Cervical Spinal Stenosis.  (look it up if you don't know what it is)  I also need to visit a hand specialist as I have carpal tunnel in both hands as well as Small Fiber Polyneropathy.  I went home and dutifully made appointments with both.  You see, I have pain from head to toe.  My arms have trouble keeping the circulation going.  I frequently cannot use my fingers, hands and arms as there isn't adequate circulation.  It is actually quite painful - and when I shake my arms down or rub them to get the blood flow going it hurts like crazy.  Just one more part of me falling apart.  :/

Meanwhile!  Being THE SEASON we celebrated with "A Night in Bethlehem" at church.  Austin was the Narrator of the program, the boys we're shepherds and Roo was an angel.  They did great!  

And, being THE SEASON we were able to attend Roo's violin concert at school.  We had a difficult time taking her picture as her teacher stood right in front of her and she was placed in the back, by the piano.  

This is the best picture I could get of our girl.  I'm sure Austin got a better shot - he's standing in green taking pictures.  :)  

Know what is so dumb?  The teacher, who was so anal with the kids learning and planing, didn't bother to spell our last name correctly.  Willcox.  Willcox.  Two "L's" people!!  It's the English spelling.  

Again, being THE SEASON, I was able to help at the little's classrooms.  The twins built candy trains and Roo had her first white elephant party.  She had trouble grasping the concept of the white elephant, but I am pretty sure she has a grip on it now. 

And one of my favorite things to do - snuggle with Sophie.  My new baby girl.   And even after all these years, another favorite is snuggling with the husband.  We went on a date and walked the Tempe bridge. We also saw a show.  It was nice to spend time together without the littles wanting our attention.  It was also really nice to spend quality time together before visiting the spine specialist.

This leads us to today.  And why I cried.  Please don't hate me, the following will be brutally honest.  So much is going through my head - so many memories mixed with emotions.  The spine specialist told me that I have several indicators of MS.  (he's the 3rd specialist to tell me this).  He confirmed that I have Cervical Spinal Stenosis.  He is also confused by my low blood pressure.  It took 2 nurses and 6 tries but the nurses finally got a bp reading of 86/55.  A bit higher than the 82 I had at the neuro.  Anyhow, hearing another specialist say that I have indicators of MS, knowing that I have several other things going on as well (the CSS for one) hit me a little hard.  He gave me some new meds to take to help with the pain... in hopes my quality of life would improve with less pain.  He is sending me to PT and we made an appt of him to give me a shot of steroids right straight into my spine.  In my upper neck part of my spine to be precise.  That was upset number 2.  It is very frightening to think about and it's scheduled to happen next week on Thursday.  Upset number 3 is the one that sent me over the edge.  The Dr. let me know that the new meds he wants me to take cause weight gain - and not the 15 lbs from gabapentin weight gain.  When I asked for specifics, he said it is usually a 40+lb weight gain.  I've never been really over weight.  No one in my family is.  My dad was, and my grandmother on my mom's side.  I was raised with it ingrained into my head to not be fat.  I haven't dieted in forever and I love my treadmill, though it's painful to walk on now.  So there's nothing anyone can do - totally out of control I will gain weight.  When I got into the car I cried.  Sobbed and cried.  Really cried.  I feel like I've given up so much with this.  My work, my friendships, my ability to dance with my husband, go hiking, play like crazy w/o getting tired.  And now I'll be fat.  Being attractive to my husband is important to me, it is also something I work hard on.  I fear him not finding me attractive any more - though he let me know he's in love with me - not me fat/thin/etc.  He said he'll  love me anyway as long as he has me it's all ok.  My mom never wanted me to get fat.  I fear her not being proud of me.  I fear being made fun of.  I fear the needle that is going into my spine.  I fear it not working or something going wrong.  I fear having MS.  And through all of this - this huge crap boat of my body falling apart - almost a year later and I cried.  I cried before a few times, but I never cried like I did today.